Let me begin by saying that I hate the outdoors, unless of course there is alcohol involved. (People always say hate is a strong word, but it's fun to hate things, right?) I'm not picky: wine, beer, or liquor is fine. Basically what I'm saying is that there must be a certain minimum threshold of alcohol consumed before I can stand the heat, cold, bugs, humidity, dirt, wind and general discomfort of nature. Some people like to go hiking. If there's not a glass of pinot grigio at the end, I see no reason to walk there.
I have a friend who always wants me to go camping with her and her boyfriend. After years of steadfast refusals, I have finally come up with the perfect compromise. I told her to set up a tent in my backyard any time she wants. Drink a ton of beer. Then when they need to use the bathroom, I will just tell her, "No. You're camping."
My whole philosophy is really that people just go camping as an excuse to drink lots of beer and light fires. But do I really need another reason to drink tons and light fires? Back in college, my roommates and I used to do that in the comfort of our own dorm rooms with a 6-pack of Zima at the ready. (That was back before the dorm burned down).
Now my one exception to the no-outdoors rule is the beach/pool. I enjoy water activities greatly even when there is no alcohol. They are of course enhanced by a fruity drink with a pink plastic sword speared with syrupy pineapple chunks. The best part is the mock sword fight that ensues after a few of these plastic goblets of bliss. Nothing says athletic prowess like a mini plastic poolside joust. Now that's a sport I can get behind.
